10/12/2010
Ek het vanoggend met die spreekwoordelike "verkeerde been uit die bed uit opgestaan". Ek dink deels het dit te doen met die feit dat ek nie 'n goeie nagrus gehad het nie. My ma se poedeltjie, wat by my slaap, het saam die honde buite heelnag vir iets geblaf en elke keer het ek wakker geskrik en my bedlampie aangesit en gekyk of daar nie 'n inbreker is nie. Die ander deel het te doen met my situasie met my ma. Sy het my gistermiddag omtrent hierdie tyd weereens herinner hoe my blote bestaan haar in 'n finansiële verknorsing plaas. Ek wil volgende jaar vir die laaste jaar studeer sodat ek 'n ordentlike graad kan kry wat my 'n ordentlike werk sal verseker. Sien, ek het al twee grade, maar hul is useless. Die heel jaar kon ek nie 'n werk kry wat op die grade gebaseer is nie. Toe besluit ek maar om volgende jaar weer vir oulaas my lyf student te hou sodat ek 'n beter toekoms kan hê. Dus sodat ek kan begin werk en nie hoef skuldig te voel vir elke sent wat ek my ma kos nie.
Ja, ek stem saam dat na 4 jaar se studeer, mens al moet begin werk en geld verdien. Ongelukkig is dit nou so dat ek iets gaan swot het wat my belangstelling geprikkel het, maar wat ongelooflik moeilik is om in te kom om te kan begin werk. Die proses om tot 'n sielkundige te vorder, kan baie jare neem, meer jare as wat ek tot my beskikking het. Ek moes die keuse neem om 'n ander paadjie te volg. Bedryfsielkunde. Net sodat ek kan begin werk, sodat ek kan begin GELD verdien. Als vandag, lyk dit vir my, draai om geld. Ek sal later weer aan my belangstelling dink. Ek moet eers self op my eie twee voete begin staan. Ek wil na volgende jaar, nooit weer vir iemand in die oë hoef te kyk vir geld nie. As ek 5 jaar gelede geweet het wat ek nou weet, sou ek vir beroepsvoorligting gegaan het en iets gaan swot het wat na 3 of 4 jaar vir my 'n werk met 'n goeie salaris sou beloof. Ek kan ongelukkig nie die tyd terugdraai nie.
Ek het vandag vir die soveelste keer tot die gevolgtrekking gekom dat ons elke dag veg om oorlewing. Fisiese oorlewing. Volgens Maslow moet ons fisiese behoeftes aan voldoen word voordat ons eens sal kyk na ons emosionele behoeftes. Soms is dit so dat ons in situasies bly om ons fisiese behoeftes te bevredig en ons emosionele behoeftes dan daaronder ly. Vir die afgelope 5 jaar het ek my emosionele behoeftes opsy geskuif. Ek onderdruk soveel as moontlik, want ek weet dis al hoe ek gaan kan uitkom by die punt om uiteindelik te begin werk. Dit is soms ongelukkig so dat dit wat ek vir so lank al onderdruk, oorkook. Maar dan kry ek dit weer onder beheer en gaan weer aan asof niks gebeur het nie. Dis waar die hele "menswees" my vies maak - die feit dat ek nie altyd 100% in beheer is nie, die feit dat ek moet VOEL. Dit klink miskien vreemd, maar ek is die afgelope ruk regtig moeg daarvoor om te VOEL. Dit het dalk te doen met die feit dat ek als wat ek die afgelope paar jaar voel, moet wegsteek vir my ma. Ek moet maar net altyd die masker aansit van dat als hunky dory is. Ek word nie altyd toegelaat om te voel nie, dis hoekom ek geïrriteerd raak met die hele konsep daarvan. As ek 'n sielkundige was, sou ek tot hierdie gevolgtrekking gekom het met my kliënt.
Moet my nie verkeerd verstaan nie. Ek is oor die algemeen eintlik 'n baie positiewe, vrolike mens. Dis met die teenoorgestelde kant van die spektrum van emosies waarmee ek 'n probleem het. Ek is net so moeg daarvoor om te ervaar hoe my ma my "resent". Ek is nie in haar gedagtes die ideale dogter nie. Sy is die weduwee en ek is die een van drie kinders wat haar grootste probleem is, want ek kos haar die meeste geld omdat ek die langste in die huis bly. En boonop help ek haar nie om kos te maak nie. Nogal 'n belaglike standaard om die "ideale dogter" aan te meet. My ouer broer en suster is elkeen die eerste jaar na matriek al uit die huis uit. Beide my broer en suster het in ons besighede gewerk - klerewinkels. My broer het wel vir 3 maande in Stellenbosch geswot maar toe opgeskop. Toe die besighede plat geval het, het my suster in 'n ander winkel in die mall aanhou werk en my broer het 'n ander winkel oopgemaak en van daar af hom in die besigheidswereld opgebou. My ma resent my omdat ek haar geld kos en my broer en suster resent my omdat ek die geleentheid gekry het om te swot. Wat almal vir gerieflikheidshalwe vergeet is dat ek elke jaar my amper dood geleer het, sodat ek vir die volgende jaar 'n beurs kon kry, sodat ek vir my ma die minste geld kon kos. Daardie feit word gerieflikheidshalwe uit almal se gedagtes geskuif.
Ek moet nou net fokus op die einde van volgende jaar. Dan kan begin aansoek doen vir werk. Werk = geld = onafhanklikheid. En onafhanklikheid beteken die vryheid om uit my toksiese omstandighede te ontsnap. Ek moet nog net 'n jaar lank uithou...
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