ek is dood...vir 'n dag
Soms is my grootste wens, om ‘n gemiddelde mens te wees. Om dinge nie so aan te trek dat dit ‘n fisiese pyn word nie – en ander dae is ek skoon opgewonde oor die feit dat ek sensitief ingestel is op ander mense se pyn en dat ek kan troos wanneer dit nodig is. Vandag was ‘n dag waar dit ‘n straf was – en dit is koud en dood binne my.
Fyn kunstenaar siele voel alles, sien alles, ervaar alles en terwyl jy in jou eie ontnugtering verstik en dit voel of die stukkies van jou hart jou vêrder vernietig hoop jy vir ‘n ray of sunshine in jou lewe. Wat jy egter kry is ligsinnige bantering en sensasie soekers – en dalk as jy gelukkig is, ‘n chill pill. En terwyl ek met my eie woorde en denke worstel kom die beelde van die ongeluk weer na die voorprent van my brein en speel dit af voor my oë. ‘n Onskuldige seun se lewe vermorsel oor ‘n ondeurdagte aanjaag van sy vader. En soos wat die remains van sy liggaampie oor die pad gestrooi lê – so versplinter my hart omdat ek dit sien, omdat ek dit voel en ervaar. Soos wat die bloed uit sy lewelose liggaam stroom – stroom my woorde uit my en kan ek geen troos bied vir die pa wat eenkant hartverskeurend en histeries skree nie. Daardie kinder-ogies spook by my en ek wonder waarom ek alweer aan so iets blootgestel word. Hoekom moet ek dit sien en hoekom verwoord ek dit nou? Sodat ander ligsinniges met vinnige doepas hulle raad in my ore kan kots? Sodat ander kan sê wat’s jou case dis niks van jou nie? Sodat omstanders met leedvermaak vir hul kollegas kan vertel wat hulle aanskou het en dit so sensasioneel doen dat ek dink hy hoort op ‘n stage. En terwyl die wêreld om my hulle sensasie vir die week bespreek sit ek my donkerbril op – om die seer in my eie oë te verdoesel. Ek wil net in my eie donker gedagtes dryf – ek wil nie praat nie, ek wil voel en dink en weet dat dit okay is. Dat die wêreld se korrupsie nog steeds gaan voortgaan en dat daardie seun dit gespaar is. Dat hy nie slagoffer gaan wees van een of ander drug invloed nie, dat hy nie iemand se lewe sal eis met dronk bestuur nie, maar ook dat hy nie die son sal kan sien opkom nie – dat die voëlsang nie sy ore sal bereik nie.
Ek kyk op na die pa wat aan die oorkant van die pa staan – die pa wat die seun aangepor het om gou te maak en “vinnig” oor die pad te hardloop terwyl die dubbeldekker bus in volle vaart ry – want hy mag. Ek kyk hoe die pa homself verwyt oor sy oordeelsfout. Hoe hy gekwets staan en wag vir die oordeel wat gefel moet word – omstanders wat hom gaan verwyt en beledigings toeslinger, en sy onvermoë om sy seun vas te hou want hoeveel stukke lê oor die pad gestrooi? Sy onvermoë om oor te stap en te sê: ek is jammer! Ek sien die leegheid in sy oë en maak dit myne – ek absorbeer al hierdie pent up feelings en terwyl ek aanloop na my volgende bushalte tap dit my leeg. Voel ek soos die vergete lappop op die ashoop van ontnugtering. Hoe kan mense so blind wees? So ongevoelig?
My nek is seer van die impak en die skielike stop – maar dit kom nie naby die seer in my hart vir hierdie kind wat probeer gehoorsaam wees het aan ‘n ouer nie. My hart is seer en ek is jammer vir die pa wat nog vir die ma moet vertel…hoe cope jy met so iets? Hoe sorteer jy jou woorde terwyl jy vas staar teen dit wat jy veroorsaak het – hoe leef jy met jouself? En my hart BLOEI vir hom – dit was nie sy bedoeling nie. Het hy gesê hy is lief vir sy seun? Was daar ‘n woordewisseling? Was daar frustrasie of irritasie?
Ja ek sit my donkerbril op en ek loop want my kunstenaarsiel het klaar geabsorbeer, my oë het die frats ongeluk gesien, gesave en die wanhoop ervaar. Maar die wêreld sien nie deur my donkerbril nie, en my trane is nie vir die wêreld nie, maar vir ‘n pa – ‘n pa wat nie verwyte nodig het nie, maar hulp, onderskraging en gebed.
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